Sunday, September 21, 2008

McCain campaign national spokesperson, Tucker Bounds is getting married. MSBC's David Shuster is best man

OH MY GOD! How do I keep coming up with these crazy funny titles for my posts? I even amaze myself. No, Tucker Bounds is not getting married. Quit laughing! You never know! He could be married already but moving on...

I don't mean to constantly pick on the John McCain campaign but...actually that's totally not true! I mean to pick on them every chance I get! I love picking on the campaign because it's just so freakin' easy to do. Especially this past week as the wheels have come off the Straight Talk Express.

But honestly, this guy Tucker Bounds? Really? Is that the best McCain can do. I have a feeling that as "McCain's national spokesperson" , Tucker's days may be numbered. He just had his more-than-likely-taut ass handed to him again, this time by MSNBC's David Shuster. It seems Tucker has a huge problem with the straight-talking part of the straight talk express. The whole Tuck meltdown today showed that the Campbell Brown episode was not an isolated incident.

Basically Bounds was unable to answer yes or no as to whether Phil Gramm would be part of a McCain administration, specifically McCain's Treasury Secretary. It seems like it would be a simple answer but in the McCain-paign nothing is as it seems. Tucker began hyperventilating, getting angrier and angrier and finally, when all seemed lost, he put his best butch face on and said something along the lines of "Obama is lying and he is not going to get away with it 'cause reporters are going to call him on it and I don't have to answer this question because my daddy can kick your daddy's ass, so nanny-nanny-boo-boo. And jinks!"

Knowing the history of how Tucker got to his position might help. I will explain:

Tucker, 29, was actually let go from the McCain campaign earlier this year when it appeared the campaign was dying a slow death. But when the campaign made a Lazarus-like comeback, they brought Tuck back.

Apparently Jill Hazelbaker, a former, I mean girlfriend of Tucker's, who also works on the McCain-paign convinced the Tucks to climb back on the big, hard long campaign. And he wouldn't even have to do it through the back-door either, like when he worked on the Bush campaign in 2004. In those days everything Tucker did was off the record. Everything.

Nope, the McCain-paign put Tuckle's pretty, choirboy face front and center. All neat and primped, like every college republican I have ever known.

Tucker's a man's man and probably God's man too. When I was in college and a member of the College Republicans the amount of Tuckers in that organization was astonishing. They were the kind that loved to "hang out" with their "bros" and really enjoyed spending time "in fellowship with the Lord surrounded by men of God" by going on FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) retreats. They honored their commitment to their faith by taking a vow of abstinence until marriage and got super-duper excited when people like former RNC chair, Ken Mehlman, would speak. Kenny-types were sort of super-heroes to the Tucker types.

And little Tucks, God bless his heart, he probably has his fair share of Ronald Reagan t-shirts. The ones where there is a caricature of the Gip with huge muscles protruding through a tight shirt standing in front of a big flag. You know, just as you would think of Reagan, right? Tucker probably has a ton of 'em. Reagan makes Tuck's pure heart race and blood rush to his nether regions.

But, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Mark my words. Tucker is about to be let go, quietly, through the back door.

And before I get nasty email, look to the right! See it? It says I am married to a guy. I just have a huge problem with people who live in lavender scented closets working for equality-squashing candidates. I just wish they would grow some stones and get a grip on reality.

1 comment:

jwazzz said...

Brilliant - but I would do him.

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