The role of a lifetime

It has been quite a week. Last Tuesday I went to bed euphoric. Wednesday I woke up to news that sent my spirit spiraling into an abyss of hopelessness, the likes of which I do not think I have experienced in all my life. And believe me, there have been some dark times in my past.

I cannot properly articulate the devastation I felt upon hearing the news that Prop 8 passed in California. In all my life, both in and out of politics, I have never experienced something so psychologically damning to my spirit as I did on Wednesday morning.

Within hours my sorrow turned to utter, pure, unadulterated rage. My anger was as black as thunder and as dark as night. I wanted the merchants of faith and the purveyors of “truth” who so willfully and masterfully peddled outright lies and distortions to pay for their mortal sins. I wanted to be the judge, jury and executioner that personally inflicted as much heartache on them as they have on my gay brothers and sisters.

But at just the moment when my rage was reaching the tipping point I realized something I have never realized before. I realized that I had a role in the outcome.

I contributed to the success of Prop 8. I consented to the lies and misinformation.

Every time I hid my sexuality or identified my husband as my friend, I played a role. Every time I stayed silent as a member of my family referred to my husband simply as my friend, I played a role. Every time I said to those on the other side that we would have to agree to disagree, I played a role. Every time I heard the word “faggot” on the subway and did not object, I played a role. Every time I used a neutral pronoun so as not to offend someone when talking about my husband, I played a role. Every time I did not send an email to the media when they were reporting inaccuracies about my community, I played a role. Every time I walked into a church that did not accept my people, I played a role. Every time I left my husband at home while I visited family, I played a role. Every time I applied for a job at a company that did not have a non-discrimination policy, I played a role. Every time I allowed a supposedly heterosexual man who was married to hit on me, I played a role. Every time I stayed silent at the family dinner table when gays were brought up, I played a role. Every time I decided to go to the bar instead of the march, I played a role. Every time I watched as a family member married a closet case, I played a role. Every time I watched a television show or a movie where a gay person was the punch-line, I played a role.

And every time I said thank you instead of fuck you to those that told me that I could ride on the bus as long as I sat in the back, I played a role.

I’m done playing that role!